Mr. Shrimpy's mail bag

[Googy McFloogal Puss]

Hey kids!!! It's me - Shrimpy - and I've got news of an "exciting" new feature!!! Basically, I get a LOT of fan-mail at the unprovided address and I thought it'd be nice to share some of it with y'all, along with responses from me!!! Here are some of the latest letters I have received!!!

Matt Johnson of Kentucky writes:
Dear Mr. Shrimpy,
Why do you hate humans so much? Don't you know that without humans there would be no guns and weapons to kill others with?
Matt Johnson

Shrimpy says: That's a stupid question and a stupid back-up point. The lobsterians developed automatic weapons before the humans had even crawled out of the primordial soup!!! HUMANS ARE SCUM!!! DEATH TO HUMANS!!!
TOD ZU DIE MENSCHEN SCHAUM!!!
DIE HUMMERS WILLE MITSCHLEPPEN DIE ERDE!!!!!

Ahem... Moving on...

Bill McDonald of Scotland writes:
Hey, Mr. Shrimpy,
If you're so tough, how come you've never started a mutiny in the BOS? Surely you could take over the whole thing...
Bill McDonald

Shrimpy says: You are a stupid fool!!! I already rule the mascots of the BOS, have access to whatever weapons I desire, can kill whom I wish and rule a huge army. And, I don't have to do anything. If I was to stage a hostile takeover, it would require hard work...
Next letter...

Adam Oggelsby of Birmingham, England writes:
Dear Mr. Shrimpy,
How come you always make fun of me because I'm fat? Didn't your mother ever teach you that God made everybody different? How would you feel if I made fun of you because of your beady little eyes, or those weird things that hang from your face?
Please, can we just try to be friends?
Adam Oggelsby

Shrimpy says: Be friends? WITH YOU, YOU FAT BITCH?!? Why, after that letter, I think not!!! The cheek of writing to me, merely to complain at the fact that I mock you because you are fat!!! You are an imbecile!!! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME BECAUSE OF MY BEADY LITTLE EYES AND MY WEIRD THINGS THAT HANG FROM MY FACE!!! A POX UPON YOU!!! A POX!!!

Grom, the caveperson of the Hulawaka tribe writes:
Dear great and mighty Shrimpy,
Whatever happened to you? You used to be such a grand leader for our tribe, then you dissapeared. It's starting to get cold and the mammoths are getting ill. My brother, Grosh, has been decapitated by a Sabertooth cat...
Where are you???
Grom
(the letter was found frozen in ice in a lake in Birmingham, England. We believe it dates back at least 10,000 years)

Shrimpy says: Grom!!! Jeez, I'd forgotten about you! What you been up to? Sorry I ditched you guys like that... I kinda got frozen that day I went for a swim... Wow, the ice age... That was a while ago, huh? Anyway, I'm stopping with some blonde haired kid called Alex nowadays, in the 21st century. Life is pretty good, but the kid only has like 4 bedrooms...
Long time no see, Grom...

Tom Jones of Wales writes:
Dear Mr. Shrimpy,
Do you have any idea how I can set my VCR so it doesn't keep flashing 12:00???
Thanks,
Tom

Shrimpy says: Check the manual, fool!!!

Neil Mehta of Birmingham, England writes:
Dear Mr. Shrimpy,
Why does everybody bully me and call me gay? Just because I have never shown any interest in women, smell funny and have a bad taste in hairstyles doesn't mean I should be ridiculed, does it?
Please be my friend!
Neil

Shrimpy says: It does mean you should be ridiculed, yes. As for your request to be my friend: No thanks, I'd rather inject my eyes with chlorine while listening to Bryan Adams.
Final letter...

Jesse Ray Christensen of Utah writes:
Tu mesta shwimpee ,
pleaze cen i jon da boss ?
jesse ray cristensen

Shrimpy says: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!!! BAD, JESSE RAY!!! BAD!!! DIE!!! (hits him with a large pole)

Well, that's it for letters!!! Carry on sending 'em in!!! Until next time!!!

*All letters in this segment were fake. If you have an actual letter, please send it to Alex who will pass it on to Shrimpy!!!

[Gimpy,LordofallthatBreathes!]

LOL, Mr. Shrimpy you are quite a card! ::See Fenrir pull a Joker out of a deck of cards::

Bryan Adams is good stuff!

[King Edward Potatostein]

Maybe Mrshrimpy needs to take a holiday... and listen to 'The Thieving Magpie' while decapitating zombies!

[Vensent]

Thats sounds fun! Actually, I know this perfect little cemetary where the zombies are all gorey and fleshy. I'll bring my stereo, and we can all go decapitate some zombies! Who wants to join me?

[Googy McFloogal Puss]

ME!!! ;D

[Zoidberg]

ME! ME! ME!

[Bengl Von Shadowstein]

OOOO!!!! ME!!!!! *pulls out machine guns*

[phantom general]

sure, being the lord of the dead this will go against what i stand for, but why the hell not? *pulls out twin vemons* anyone need a decent machine gun? i appear to have pulled out an extra one. ;D

[Googy McFloogal Puss]

It's been a long time coming, but it's about time for another pile of letters from the mailbag...

Paul McCartney of Liverpool writes:
Dear Mr. Shrimpy,
Do you have a mailing list or a fan club? I think you should as you are pretty dang popular. I'd certainley be interested in joining...
All the best,
Paul

Shrimpy says: Thanks for the positive letter, Paul (I get tired of reading fan-mail from complain-y pants cunts who have nothing better to do than write to a fictional lobster), but I'm afraid that I cannot currently offer either of those services because I am lazy. However, go to www.benfolds.com as there IS a mailing list there (though I haven't actually received any mail yet...)

Ohhh... Here's a good one!!!

Jacques Piere of France writes:
To Monsieur Shrimpy,
I am writing to people of importance across the world to request that they start a campaign to abolish the nastiness and bad feelings that many people have for the powerful and mighty nation of France. For too long we French have been ridiculed and stereotypes have harmed our country's image. I beg that you help put a stop to this!!!
Jacques

Shrimpy says: Damn French!!! It serves you ALL right for being such big pussies during the war! Who was it that got you out of that shithole you dug for yourselves? The English and the Americans!!! It was your fault anyway that we even had WWII; damn "Treaty of Versailles"!!! Go back to the Eiffel tower, you French bastard!!! Eat some frogs and snails and shit!!! It's all you deserve!!!

Ahem... Thanks for the letter, though. Good luck with that.

A concerned reader from Birmingham, England writes:
To Mr. Shrimpy,
I read your last mail-bag section and was absolutely appauled at the impolite way that you treated people's questions and comments. You should be ashamed of yourself; many of these people said nothing to offend you and actually made attempts to befriend you. This was a disgraceful way to respond to your fans.
I hope you think carefully before running another feature of this nature,
A concerned fan

Shrimpy says: Ha ha... Fuck you, concerned fan!!! Like I'm gonna change my "in-your-face" nature because YOU asked me!!! I mean, I can freakin' see your e-mail address, Oggelsby

NEXT!!!!!

Kimberley Yates of Birmingham, England writes:
To Mr. Shrimpy,
I hate you, but I hate your creator more! He is such a horrible person; he bought me things that I wanted and he was nice to me and he put up with more than I deserved, but now we've broken up he acts like he doesn't want to talk to me. Why is he being such a bastard?
Kim

Shrimpy says: Alex hasn't done ANYTHING wrong, you fat bitch!!! It's ALL YOUR FAULT!!! Of course he doesn't want to talk to you - you made his life hell even though he put up with all that shit from you!!! You should throw yourself in front of a moving vehicle and make the world a happier place because you are a fucking BITCH. He hates you, I hate you, everybody fucking hates you!!! It would bring Alex no end of pleasure if he never spoke to you again, but, after carefully thinking it over, he has decided he will speak to you and tell you to fuck off. BURN!!!

George Walker Bush of Washington, D.C. writes:
Dear Mr. Shrimpy,
Will you be my friend?

Shrimpy says: I'm already your friend, remember? I sold you all of that information about the WMDs in Iraq in exchange for oil...

Douchey of Birmingham, England writes:
Hey Shrimpy,
What happened, man? You so sold out - you wouldn't even be around if it wasn't for me!!! You can't just ditch your friends like that!!! Come on - share the fame!!!
Douchey

Shrimpy says: Sorry, Douchey. You could be making a heck of a lot more cash if you just came out more often. You were just tying me down, but there's no reason you can't have a career of your own... Just appear and let the people catch you!!! Then you'll be on TV and the front of every magazine!!!

Finally...

Tom Selby of London writes:
Mr. Shrimpy,
I'm thinking of returning to the forum... Any suggestions?

Shrimpy says: Don't. Goodbye!!!

*All letters in this segment were fake. If you have an actual letter, please send it to Alex who will pass it on to Shrimpy!!!

[xmovie_xqueenx]

Shrimpy is so cute!!

[Googy McFloogal Puss]

It's true, he is. But he's also horrifically evil, with diabolical schemes for world dominance which dwarf any previously concuted. You can't help but love 'im!